Derailed

Have you seen a derailed train? I haven’t in person, but I have watched movies, and listened to my uncle’s stories of working for the Railroad. When I close my eyes, I can hear the screeching of metal on metal as the wheels lock up under the break. I can imagine the weight of such a large machine slowly tipping. Feel the panic and fear that rises in the chest of those in charge. If I stay with it long enough, I can feel the floor shifting beneath my feet, watch the sky tumbling down as the train car tips over. Feel the train skid along the dirt. It will take trees, rocks, and track with it until it finally settles in a heap with a sigh. The smell of fuel, fire, and fear fills my senses.

Do you see it yourself? Feel it? Can you smell it?

For many people right now, I bet this is the feeling they are dealing with. This derailment that takes all things out of your control and leaves you breathless and changed forever. I don’t have to tell you that 2020 – the year that started off with so much promise — is leaving many feeling like this on a daily basis. I know I am feeling out of control.

Not that I was ever in control.

Apology

You may be wondering why I haven’t written since July. I hope that you have missed me as much as I have missed writing. The need to write, the desire to put words on the page, has been there. But, I haven’t been able to put things into the words I want.

Smugly, I planned on taking a journey through a 12 Step program in three months. I was sure I could make it through a step a week — I have done things that are a lot bigger in shorter amounts of time. Yeah. I wasn’t expecting this. I’ve been digging into who I am. The uncovering feelings and ideas I had buried and hidden even from myself has taken an emotional toll. Now that it is all coming up, there is more work that I didn’t anticipate. Not that work is a bad thing; just more than I wanted to take on at this moment.

I hope you will forgive me for stepping away for a bit to get my feet back under me. To connect to my Higher Power and learn to turn things over to Him.

This month, I’m going back to my original goals. I’m 13 days late getting started on the reading, so I hope you will forgive me again.

Heading forward

Looking forward to the month. I will be updating my gratitude journal daily — please be my accountability partner and reminding me if I slip up again.

I will start reading the book The Richest Man in Babylon. By the end of the month, there will be another post about personal finances. The goal for this month is: I will identify five ways I think about money that are not serving me, and will adjust those negative thoughts into positive declarations as I work towards sticking to my budget and mentoring my college aged children in their own financial obligations.  I will do this by September 30, 2020. (Richest Man in Babylon by George Samuel Clason).

Your part

If you decide to come with me, let me know which of these thoughts most closely resemble how you feel about money.

1. Money is a mystery to me.
2. Money is a master.
3. Money is a monster that is consuming me.
4. Money is a major player in life.
5. Money is a motivator.
6. Money is a manipulator.
7. Money is a minimizer of ambition.
8. Money is a maximizer of potential.
9. Money is a monument of status.
10. Money is a menace.