Do you ever have those times in your life when everything seems to be shifting. All good, but shifting. I’m in one of those seasons after being in a LONG season of waiting. One of my friends called it Limbo, I’ve leaned more toward Purgatory. But, I think I’m finally on the move again!
My goal for this month originally focused on cleaning up the playroom and organizing differently. Thanks to the sudden move to distance learning, that project happened in March. We got rid of the playroom and changed it into the office. It has been nice to have the computer and all my projects moved from the kitchen table to the desk downstairs.
I’m also struggling to finish the book Getting Things Done. It’s rare that I pick up a book several times and still not make my way through. Must not be the timing. I’m ditching it for now (again) and moving on to a different book that has spoken to me recently.
Before I go on and change the goal, the book, and the direction I was planning on this year, I need to explain that I would NEVER have picked this book up before this month. I consider myself independent — almost too independent if you ask the guys I’ve dated/married. Then I attended a conference and some of the things I learned opened a door that I never thought was there. I feel like there is something that has been holding me back — something that I bang my head against, but haven’t been able to put my finger on. Why do I feel there is a crazy cycle that I get stuck in?
Here is the invisible wall I was missing: I’m codependent.
What is codependence? It is “a pattern of coping with life that [is] not healthy . . . one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” People who are codependent are benevolent, over-reactors/under-reactors who have developed a “habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving towards ourselves and others that can cause pain.”
I still wan’t convinced. Then, I read the list of characteristics listed on pages 41-50, and the tears welled up, then fell. Yep! This described me like someone had made a list of who I was. These were the Blind Spots I’ve been looking for but hadn’t identified in my checks. I wasn’t asking the right questions.
For the month of June 2020, I will work on creating a stress-free environment by starting a 12-step program for codependency. By the end of June, I will find a support group and attend at least four meetings, and I will make progress through the first four steps. (book: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie). Ephesians 6:13-17
Just in case you aren’t familiar with the first four steps (I wasn’t until recently) they are:
- We admitted we were powerless over others — that our lives had become unmanagable.
- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God as we understood God.
- Made a searching a fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I feel like I’m good on the first three steps, but my workbook hasn’t arrived yet. There is learning to do here, and I will keep an open mind (and heart) as I step into this journey. Being transparent is my goal. This is my accountability piece.
Before I sign off for the week, tell me where you are right now? We’ve experienced quite an interesting shift with the pandemic. How has if effected you? What are some new truths about yourself that you’ve learned?