Facing Fears

When I was little, I KNEW there was a witch that lived under my bed — I dreamed of her often, and still remember the vivid dreams well into my adulthood. When I woke up from the nightmares about her, I had to find a way to jump from the center of my bed to the carpet in the hallway without touching the blue carpet in my room. She had cast a spell that if I touched blue, I would be sucked under the bed to be lost forever. I got really good at jumping long distances in the dark.

As I grew, my fears changed. OCD took the little thoughts and grew them into HUGE issues, and I felt myself spiral down and step away. It was easier to not reach out, to put myself out there, to risk. “What If . . . ” became my mantra, and it lead me to a dark place that was void of life. I picture it like The Bog of Eternal Stench from the movie The Labyrinth. Even then, it was easier to stay where I was than to risk leaving — I knew what was here.

I’ve come to understand that fear is not what makes me jump. It is what makes me rooted to the ground, paralyzed and unable to go forward. It is what damns me to remain in the place where I am not able to grow. It sucks the adventure and the dream away.

After my suicide attempt, my life completely fell apart. I got a divorce, had to start working while going to school and taking care of y little girls. I had a lot of rebuilding to do, so I took full advantage of that new found freedom. Who was I? Did I really like certain things, or was it just a comfortable choice? Did it scare me? I found ways to try new things, have new experiences, try things I had thought I didn’t like. Guess what I found? The world was a lot bigger, brighter, and exciting that I had thought it was! I enjoyed the life I found, the freedom of stepping out and trying the new.

I think I’ve lost that in the mundane. I’ve gotten complacent again.

The goal for this month is to identify the top three fears that are holding me back from taking next steps in my business, and write the steps I will take to dispel them so I can move forward.   What is sucking the adventure and the dream from my life? What am I going to do to move forward? How can I live intentionally this month?

Top three fears:

1. What if I don’t have anything to say that is any different from what a million other people have said. And, they have said it better.
2. Financial support to run a household until this takes off and supports us. I’m barely making it month-to-month teaching full time, and I need to put more money into what I want to do.
3. Am I doing this with the best interest of my kids in mind, or is this completely selfish? Will me not being present so I can teach a class, or write my blog, or doing all the other things owning a business takes up time and money for be worth it in the long term?

Next steps:

1. Write each day. What I’ve got to say may have been said before, but I haven’t said it my way with my background. God didn’t give me a talent and a passion to write if I wasn’t meant to use it.
2. Pray for guidance.
3. Write a schedule for my writing so it is in there daily. I have a schedule for school and a schedule for the kids. I need to put together a schedule for me and set daily time for this business. I need to write weekly goals and steps as well a monthly ones; I need to get these posted so I can seem them daily.
4. Write my dream down. Fully and without holding back because someone says something about it not being practical. Then I need to put into into a fully written plan and get it looked over by an expert who can direct me on next steps.

I’m interested in hearing from you! What are the fears that are holding you back from what you want to do? Do you even have a dream for the next five years? Please share it with me — I’ve love to hear about your dream!